This is my favorite thing to work with! Express what you need while feeling assured you will be heard with assertive communication:
Follow the three steps of
FACT
FEELING
FIX
First, filter out unhelpful things (name calling, generalizing, vagueness) with the specific, observable FACTS of the matter: The kitchen sink and counter top are taken up with dirty dishes. (Not: I hate that the house is always filthy when I come home.)
Next, consider how this makes you FEEL, specifically: how does it effect you, what is the negative impact on you? When I get home from work late, I need to make myself dinner. But thinking about cleaning your dirty dishes up in order to be able to make my dinner makes me feel so exhausted and uncared for.
(Not: That really pisses me off!)
Finally, take time to think about the specific, do-able FIX that is going to help you: If you could please keep this part of the counter clear, and the sink empty enough so I could fill a pot with water, that would make all the difference in the world to me.
(Not: When I get home, the house better be clean, not a pigsty!) Thinking through the specifics of those three steps is a good way to get yourself in a calmer state to be a better communicator. Focusing on the present, observable situation takes away the possibility of debating the truth of the issue. Sharing your vulnerability to the impact of the other person's actions is the velcro of caring -- they matter to you, and what they do matters to you. So here's how to take good care of each other!
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